victor's mom: do not read this. not only will you scratch your name
off his birth certificate. you will burn it and then disown him.

everyone else: this is pretty graphic and sick. be advised.

so there is a thing called "the naked comedy showcase" at the fringe.
it's a one time thing and, well, leon, victor and i thought it would
be a fine place to perform "the aristocrats".

if you haven't heard of the aristocrats, it's a joke that is the
subject of a documentary directed by paul provenza, my director and
produced by him and penn jillette, another friend of mine and one of
the first to "get" spamscam.

there's lots of info around on it now and i'm too lazy to say much
more about it as I'VE GOT A LOT TO WRITE...

Leon enlisted a female brit comic, Joyce (or something... not sure
what her name was, even though i did act like i ass fisted her... very
70's NYC disco bathroom, but i digress).

the naked comedy showcase was exactly that, a showcase where you could
do comedy naked. we closed the night after a naked chick clown and
three naked stand-ups. they were all fine; the clown was pretty
awesome. she did yoga.

the stage was one of the cave venues. it's a venue in a... well, cave.
it looks like something out of pirates of the carribean or... pirats
of scotland. cave in a castle. there was a little "wing" sort of thing
where i hid "supplies" for the act.

leon, victor and i got up, naked, to talk about an act we'd all seen
at a little pub off the royal mile that has been overlooked by the
press and punters and, most importantly, the perrier judges at the
fringe this year.

we said we'd try to recreate their act, but this was something that
the father had explained in his broken english... maybe he was
hungarian or something... had been handed down through their family
for years and years...

it began with the father covering the stage with big plastic garbage
bags; bin liners as you heard this sweet lilting hungarian lullabye
being sung by a daughter at the back of the pub. joyce began singing
bullshit hungarian lullabye in the back as i lay out the trash bags.

we then sang a bit of "doe, a deer, a female deer.." while doing a
soft-shoe. then a bit more of the hungarian lullabye.

then i came back on stage with a pink garter belt that jessie and i
had gotten from the comic discipline show (i'm doing it tomorrow
night, by the way) and said

"...then the father and two brothers tied each other off with a pink
garter belt and began shooting each otehr up with heroin as you heard
this child's beautiful voice... we thought that was odd and then the
father brought out this electric razor and began shaving his pubic
hair off..."

i did exactly that. there was a woman in the third row who covered her
eyes in absolute and pure shock.

then we started playing with our cocks as our narration continued:

"...the guys tried to get their cocks hard, but couldn't because of
the heroin..."

we turned around and acted like we were jerking each other off.

"...they even tried jerking each other off, but that didn't work, so
they all lay down in a triangle and began trying to suck each other to
get hard... "

we were. we were in a triangle on the ground, miming sucking each
other. victor's "isaac" was quite close to my mouth and if i was as
cool as i think i am, i would've put it in my mouth, but i'm not that
cool. ah well.

the crowd, however, seemed to believe we were actually sucking each other off.

"...this didn't work either, so the inexplicably black brother begin
pissing in the other two brother's mouths..."

victor grabbed a squirt bottle full of lemonade from the wings and
hosed me and leon down with it, his back to the audience. that sorta
sucked as the lemonade was fucking cold. it was the worst thing about
being an aristocrat...

i then moved to the wings and scooped up a handful of vanilla custard...

"...this caused the father to finally get hard and he jerked off and
shot his load all over the other two guys..."

i flicked the custard all over them and smeared it on my cock in a way
that made it sorta kinda look like i was actually jerking off and
shooting my manchowder all over them. i really wanted to get hard, but
it is very difficult with an audience.

"...they all began eating the father's jizz..."

we ate custard from my hand and they'd scoop it off their chests and eat it.

"...at this point the daughter entered the stage..."

joyce had smeared chocolate nutella down inside of her ass cheeks and
down her legs. it looked really fucking disgusting

"...she had just reached puberty and was havign her first period and
pulled a tampon out of her cunt..."

joyce did a bit of slieight of hand and held up a french fry covered in ketchup

"... which she ate..."

she took a bite, as did leon, victor and myself

"..and shared with her brothers and father..."

then we did some sort of magical presentation type moves in front of her cunt...

"... the daughter then pulled a rabbit out of her cunt which she
squeezed until it shit in the fathers' hand..."

i then dropped chocolate covered raisins into our mouths...

"...then they began fucking... everyone fucked everyone..."

i "mounted" joyce.who was on her knees, from behind as victor and leon
waved their cocks near her face and simulated sex with each other as
well.

"...then the brother shit on the floor..."

leon magically dropped a snickers bar from his ass

"...and he and the sister shared it..."

they each put half in their mouth on their knees as i slapped my cock
on the middle of it.

"...this gave them diarhea..."

i snuck a handful of chocolate nutella...

"...and the father fisted the daughter's ass and pulled out more shit
which they all then ate and smeared over themselves and each other..."

the audience was screaming with delight and horror at this point. i
wondered about all my training at the loft and my relationship with my
mother.

"...then they made little moustaches with the shit and began singing
la bamba..."

we did and danced a bit

"...then they smeared the shit on their faces like blackface... except
for the black brother who made his lips white with cum..."

leon, joyce, and i rubbed the nutella on our faces... not a lot,
though, because we're pussies and clean-up was going to be a bitch...

"...and they sang a little minstrel act like al jolson.."

we sang 'mammy...how i love ya how i love ya...' then i went back and
got the bottle of lemonade

"...then they took turns pissing on the daughter..."

i went first, and as leon and victor finished off the bottle, i filled
my mouth with cream corn and chicken soup...

"...and the father, who had been kicked several times in the stomach
and pissed and shit on then finished it all off by vomiting in the
middle of the stage..."

i did so.. .very graphically with sounds, etc.

we then got to our knees and spread our hands and sang "ta daaaaa".

the naked MC walked up and said

"you told us where the act was playing, but you didn't say what it was
called..."

and we all said "THE ARISTOCRATS" whilst snapping a 'crat. (the
gesture drew carey uses when he tells the joke in the movie)

the place went nuts and we then went to the rear of the venue to clean
up (leon had brought paper towels and baby wipes... it was fun wiping
shit off of each other) as people filed out congratulating us.

a woman with a crucifix who watched most of it through her fingers
aksed me and victor for a flier.

i should point out here, by the way, that i had the smallest cock of
the three of us and my man boobs are just a bit smaller than joyce's
real female breatages... i am a big fat fuck.

it was videotaped. it is now referred to as "the career ending tape".

the naked comedy showcase ended at 9:20. I sped over to do danny
james' show with rhys dharby until 10:30. I met up with karen o and
her writer, hugh, from the comic discipline show and walked over to
the pleasance courtyard and talked with them about doing their big
shoe friday night. by about 11:30 i headed to the gilded balloon to
get some chicken samosas and a soda. i sat and chatted with mickey d
for a bit about our performance. he seemed impressed.

i then wandered down to spank! (you love it!). saw victor, jen f-hall
and cindy. victor leaned in "it's already a legend, sir".

snap!

¶ 12:37 PM